While I used to meditate on the edge of the Mahayana school, I always see myself as an absolute beginner, so I'm back to the novice state starting small, starting slow. Especially since I have physical limitations.
I've been listening to the dharma audio files,[see note] both the talks and the guided meditations. I have no idea where this path is going to take me. All I know is that I'm suffering and I'm going to die. How can I use what time I have left to heal myself and, in some small way, the entire planet? This question is what is fueling my intentions to follow a path of Metta, or loving kindness.
Note: There are many other sites that offer audio teachings, for example those found on the Tricycle Magazine site and on BuddhaNet
In the past few days I've begun to see how tight I am mentally, physically, spiritually. How my entire being is growing rigid as death whispers its promise. How very tragic to live a life without softening to what is, letting go, and wishing others happiness. My physical and mental pain distract me terribly, but my heart longs to step beyond my lack of mindfulness and concentration and grow as a human being. Finally.
Of course it won't be easy. I know that. I will have lots of setbacks. And there are no guarantees in life, not even that I'll keep on this path. All I can do is practice with heart, every day, with humble openness. Allowing myself to unfold, unraveling the tight stress and ill will that have attached themselves to me like barnacles throughout the course of my life.
Here is my goal, which I know I may not ever achieve; but it's the effort that counts.
METTA SUTTA
To reach the state of peace
Those skilled in the Good
Should be
Capable and upright,
Straightforward and easy to speak to,
Gentle and not proud,
Contented and easily supported,
Living lightly and with few duties,
Wise and with senses calmed,
Not arrogant and without greed for supporters,
And they should not do the least thing that the wise would criticize.
[They should reflect:]
"May all be happy and secure;
May all beings be happy at heart.
All living beings, whether weak or strong,
Tall, large, medium, or short,
Tiny or big,
Seen or unseen,
Near or distant,
Born or to be born,
May they all be happy."
Let no one deceive another
Or despise anyone anywhere;
Let no one through anger or aversion
Wish for others to suffer.
As a mother would risk her own life
To protect her child, her only child,
So toward all beings should one
Cultivate a boundless heart.
With loving-kindness for the whole world
Should one cultivate a boundless heart,
Above, below, and all around
Without obstruction, without hate and without ill-will.
Standing or walking, sitting or lying down,
As long as one is alert,
May one stay with this recollection.
This is called a sublime abiding, here and now.
Whoever is virtuous, endowed with vision,
Not taken by views,
And having overcome all greed for sensual pleasure
Will not be reborn again.
-Translated by Gil Fronsdal
After I wrote this post I wondered if there was a meditation center similar to the Insight Meditation Center in the Bay Area, so I did an online search for Portland and what I found was a surprise. There's an IMC within walking distance to my house! And there's even a weekly meditation tonight. I guess it's true. When you're ready for a teacher, one appears. I still have real second thoughts about the tendency toward group hierarchy. But maybe I should approach with an open mind and heart and if I feel uncomfortable at any time, I know I'm free to leave.
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